understands the feelingsandseeswhatupsetsordisappoints
them, theycome toa joint solution faster. Youshould therefore
expressexpectationsclearly.
What doexpectationshave todowithbody language?
Molcho:
Inorder tobeable toexpresswishesor expectations
meaningfully,my counterpartmust beopenand receptive. But
ifmycolleagueorboss isalreadysitting in frontofmewithhisor
herarmscrossed, thatmakesme think thatheorshedoesn’twant
tonegotiate. If from theveryoutset that persondoesn’twant to
negotiate, thenwhyshould I expresswhat Iwant?This iswhy I
appeal toall colleaguesandbosses: “Openyour arms! Thenyou
will experienceawillingness tonegotiateandbecomeopen to
thatwhichmovesothers.”Crossedarms convey that youdon’t
want to let theother person in. That iswhat actuallydisappoints
or annoyspeople. Theydon’t feel acknowledgedor that theyare
being takenseriously.Whendo I feel that I ambeing
acknowledged?When I havean influenceonothers.
Whydosomanypeopleadopt a“defensive”posture
in communication?
Molcho:
Becausewhenweopenour arms,we leaveour torso
exposed. It isanatural impulse toprotect thispart of thebody
with itsvital organs. Butwhat could reallyhappen inanoffice
situation?That someonewill punchyou?Not really.Of course, this
“openarms”stanceneednot necessarilymeanagreement. I can
alwayssay“no” inadiscussion, but it isbetter tosay“no”with
myarmsopen thanwithmyarms folded.Aclosedposturesignals
thatyouhave reallyno intentionof letting theotherperson inatall.
Canyougivesomemoreexamplesof body language?
Molcho:
Avery typical oneperhaps.Manymenhold their head
verystraight, facingdirectlyahead. But if I tilt it a little to the
side, youwill smile. Just like that. By incliningmyhead, I leave
onesideofmyneck free.One can“bite”so tospeak, by that I
mean that I’msignalling“submission”or trust that youwill not
bite.Now if I straightenupmyhead, perhapspullmyeyebrows
together a little, that canalreadybe construedas confrontation.
Your body reacts immediatelyagain, and this timewith tension.
Someonewho inclineshisheadslightly tellsme thatwe’rehaving
anopendiscussion.
Formen that isoftendifficult. “Oneman, oneword”, standup
straightandkeepyour composure.That isso ingrained.Hedoesn’t
see thathe isalreadyonacollisioncourse, solelybecauseof that.
If, on theotherhand, he inclineshishead, henotices immediately
that he is“softer”. But that’sprecisely theproblem. Because if a
manequatessoftwithweak, thenof coursehedoesn’twant tobe
weakor toappear tobeweak toothers. But that’snot the case:
soft doesn’tmeanbeingweak.On the contrary, if heallows
himself tobesoft, thenhe finds that despite thisor indeed
becauseof this, he canbeperceivedasbeingstrong.Heshows
that he is flexibleand issearching foroptions, and in returnhe
also receivesmore information.
Now,what if I domore than just inclinemyhead,what if I also
let goof a littleof the rigidityandmoveabit, thenmy chest also
lowersslightlyand I becomemore receptive. So it isworthwhile
tobeable to interpret signalsand their effect and tobeable to
respond to themaccordingly.
